Keep 'Em Where I Can See 'Em

A young fellow boarded my bus today, about six stops away from the main downtown transfer point. Of course, he doesn’t have his fare ready, and I’m not in the mood to wait around so I just start driving away while he looks for it. He started feeling around his pockets saying, “Oh, shit!” and “Oh, man!” and “Oh, Henry!” (Okay, I made up the last one.) Right away, I’m onto him. He’s going to pretend he can’t find his money until we get downtown and then he’ll get off and say, “Oh, sorry, I don’t have any money, I better get off the bus.”

Oh, you didn’t know that we know when you’re doing that? Yeah, we do. Know this, and know it well: Bus drivers have seen and heard every scam in the book and we know damn well when someone is lying to us. If you think you “got away with it”, you really didn’t. We know you are scamming – we just don’t care most of the time. It’s not worth it to me to give up my break at the end of the line because I had to wait for a supervisor to come deal with your sorry, trifling, broke ass.

Before I continue with the story, I must take a moment to provide some background information about the set-up of the interior of our buses. We basically have two styles of buses -- Low-floor, wheelchair accessible buses, where there are no steps for the passengers, and the regular “old fashioned” kind of bus with steps. That’s the kind that you probably rode in when you were in high school. In the low floor buses, the driver’s area and seat is raised, so I am actually eye-level with a person who is standing. In our older buses, when you are sitting in the driver’s seat, you are, regrettably, at crotch-level with a standing adult. I thank the Powers that Be that I was driving the first style of bus today, and you’ll see why in a moment.

Back to my story.

After 3 more stops, I decided to turn around and ask him if he’s having any luck finding his money. Now, keep in mind that he has been standing behind me this whole time, digging in his pockets and saying (quietly) “Oh shit! Oh, fuck! Oh, damn! Oh, Susanna!” (Yeah, I made that last one up again). Lo and behold: The motherfucker has his hand shoved deep into the open fly of his jeans and he was certainly “looking” for something, but I don’t think it was his money.

A transcript of our conversation follows:

Me: Oh no you did-int! Sir, you need to get off the bus now, you’ve got your hand down your pants, and you clearly have no money.

Perv: Okay, I’ll go sit at the back then [WTF??? Why, so you can “finish”? I don’t fucking think so! He actually started walking towards the back of the bus, as if I was going to allow him to stay aboard and enjoy the rest of the ride.]

Me: Oh hell no!! You have your hand in your pants and you are making me uncomfortable and you are getting off my bus. NOW.

Perv: [as he is stepping off the bus] But I got my money right here! Damn, you are ignorant!

Me: You got your hand in your pants and you are calling me ignorant? Take care now, bu-bye!


I wanted to be a kindergarten teacher when I grew up. Why is this my life now, why???

Winter Wonderland (as in "I wonder where everyone's brains went?)

Okay, it's time for a few lessons about how to behave in the winter.

First of all, stop fucking complaining about snow in the bus stops. It's winter. We live in Canada. It snows here. A lot, sometimes. Put on a pair of boots, and get on with your life. One cannot reasonably expect to have every single flake of snow scraped off the sidewalk less than 6 hours after it has stopped snowing.

Second, if you want to complain about snow in the bus stop, then go knock on the door of the house or business that abutts the sidewalk, and complain to them. They are responsible for clearing the walkways that surround their house or business. If you live in a big apartment complex, then go complain to the managers, because they too should be clearing the ENTIRE walkway in front of the building. Amazing how every business can get their parking lot cleared out ASAP, but they can't pay the guy an extra $50 to snow blow the sidewalk.

Let me just pause to give a special shout out to the asshole orthodonist whose office is across the street from Walmart. I won't name names, since they guy is clearly a selfish, arrogant pricktard and would probably sue me. -- "HEY BUDDY!! CLEAR THE FUCKING SIDEWALK IN FRONT OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!! There happens to be a bus stop located on that sidewalk (a very busy one), and it's completely inaccesable whenever it snows. I hope you never need to use a walker or a wheelchair, Mr. Fancy-Pants Orthodontist. YOU SUCK!!"

Next Week's Lesson: How Not to Get Hit by A Bus Sliding on Ice (hint -- don't run in front of it while it's still moving).

I'll take "Things I Could Have Done While Waiting for the Bus" for a $1000, Alex.

Yeah, I know I bitched/blogged (bitchogged? Can that be a new word) about this already, but it is a serious problem. Plus I just thought up the clever title and wanted to use it somewhere, and if I use it to someone's face (as I desperately want to), I'll get in trouble.

Never fails -- huge group of people waiting for the bus, some clown has to push his or her way to the front of the line, get on the bus first.....and THEN start digging through their pockets for their fare. Bonus points if they also have a stroller or a big-ass grocery cart so no one behind them in line can just "fare through" and go past them.

Here's another simple thing you can do while waiting for the bus --- get your fucking shit together. Don't wait until I'm already stopped there with the doors open to start collecting your 6 million plastic grocery bags (which, by the way, you should be using reusable fabric bags because they hold more, they are easier to carry and they are better for the environment, you over-indulgent sloth), or to gather up your backpack, guitar case, artwork or whatever other tools of teenage angst you may be carrying around with you.