A Tribute to Jeff Foxworthy

If you've ever used a grocery cart from the local supermarket as a moving van, you might be a redneck.

If you've ever tried to bring said shopping cart (full of your prized possessions) onto a city bus, you are most likely a redneck.

And if, when the driver refuses to let you board the bus with said cart because it's illegal to STEAL, your response is, "Nuh-uh, I bought this here cart fer a quarter!", you are DEFINITELY a redneck. And a big, fat F.L. (figure it out).

For the last time...

Have. Your. Fare. Ready. FUCK!

And if you really can't spare one moment of your sitting-around-on-a-bench time to open your purse, backpack, pocket, etc... and pull out your pass/ticket/change, then do not insist on being the first person in line so that you may hold up all of the nice people who were smart enough to follow the rules!

In a real city, a city where people actually take public transportation to reach a destination (and not just as a form of entertainment), a person would be heckled right out of the terminal for holding up a bus like that. Oh no, but not here! Here, they just plop their purse right up on top of the farebox and proceed to empty the entire contents onto the dashboard of the bus.

"Oh, I know it's in here somewhere! Just hold on a minute, I'll find it!" Really, "hold on a minute"? Do you think I can fucking go anywhere anyway with all your shit spread out all over the place, and with 75 people behind you standing in the doorway?

Repeat after me: YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD! THE WORLD DOES NOT REVOLVE AROUND YOU! OTHER PEOPLE HAVE PLACES TO GO AND SHOULDN'T HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOUR SORRY ASS!

My Bad -- I Thought We Were Sharing Toxic Chemical Fumes!

Why do people not realize how gross and rude it is to suck on their stupid cigarettes until the very last second the bus pulls up, and then exhale all that smoke into my face as they are boarding the bus?

Would it be okay for me to start carrying around a can of oven cleaner and then spray it into the faces of the offending smokers? I'm sure they would be very pissed, and possibly even try to have me arrested for assault if I gave them a big 'ole face full of Easy Off. But they forced me to inhale their nasty tobacco fumes, now all I want to do is return the favour!

Then of course I would just act like I didn't realize what I did was rude. "Oh, I'm sorry! Did you not want me to blow noxious fumes in your face?" That's my favourite part -- when the cloud of smoke is hanging over my head, they sort of wave their hands in front of their face to disperse the smoke and say, "I'm sorry," with a sheepish grin. As if they didn't realize that cigarettes make SMOKE come out of your mouth!

Don't be sorry. Just be far away from me.

P.S. This only happens when the smoker is waiting for the bus with a crowd of other people. If a person is standing at the bus stop alone and hasn't thrown down their butt by the time I am within six feet of the stop, I just resume speed and drive away. You can't smoke on a bus; Therefore anyone who is still smoking when the bus pulls up doesn't really want to catch the bus anyway.

Please stop wasting my time.

If you are standing in a bus stop and see a bus approaching and you do not actually wish to board that bus -- for the love of God, please STEP BACK from the stop or walk away, or something.

Do you know how many times I pull out of traffic because a person is standing in a stop making eye contact with me but when I open the doors they say, "Oh, no I'm not waiting for the bus." Seriously? Silly me to assume that because you are standing in a BUS STOP and staring at my BUS that you actually wanted to catch it!!

YOU SUCK!

Why, oh why?

Do people think it's a good idea to pay their bus fare in ALL pennies?? Yes, I know pennies are legal tender. And yes, I know people are always looking for ways to get rid of the mounds of pennies they find in their sofa cushions. Hmmm, I'm starting to think the proposal to do away with the penny in Canada is a good one.... I digress.

First of all, it's quite the timewaster for us all to sit there while this ONE person holds up the line by dumping pennies into the farebox, 5 or 6 at a time. Even better are the ones that just take their little sandwich baggie full of pennies and dump the whole thing into the hopper at once. That results in an immediate jammed coin module. Now I've got to call for a supervisor to meet me at some point so he or she can repair it THUS causing further delays and THUS eating into my layover at the end of the line, THUS shortening the amount of time I can dick around on Facebook mobile.

Please, if you have pennies, be normal. Go to the Dollarama and buy a bag of those little penny roller thingies. Fill them up. Now take them to a band (a REAL bank, not Money Mart) and exchange them for a toonie. Thanks, you're a peach!

"Student" is an occupation, not an age range

Students get a discount on bus fare, as they should. Elementary school, high school, or post-secondary school, it doesn't matter, they all get to pay 75 cents less than a regular adult fare.

Here's the problem. Many people (especially guys in their early 20s) seem to be confused as to what qualifies one as a student. A "student" is one who studies on a (somewhat) regular basis. A "student" is one is actively attending classes (or at least on the days when they are not hungover). Some of these students are only 19; some are in their 50s. Doesn't matter, just as long as they go to college/university full-time, they get the discount.

A person who graduated from high school three years ago, but decided to take some time out to "find themselves" before returning to formal education or (gasp!) find a job, is not a student. They are just sad.

By the way, it doesn't take three years to find yourself. I'll give you a hint: you're sitting on your buddy's couch playing X-box. Look there first. See, that was quick wasn't it.

Oh, you mean metaphorically "find" yourself. That doesn't take three years either. It should take about four minutes. You are not as deep as you think you are.

The God I Believe In Isn't Short 'a Cash, Mister*

So, here is this young lady on my bus. As soon as she got on I could tell she would be special. Another young lady she knows gets on the bus, and the first young lady launches into her tale of woe about how she hasn't eaten all day and has no money to buy food, and won't have any money until next week. Of course this tale culminates in a request for some money so she can "buy a drink".

Wait, the best part is coming up. For some reason, she starts delving deeper into her financial situation and how she pays her bills. "Well, when I get my cheque, first I pay the Lord by giving money to the church...." WTF? Back up please. God doesn't want you to starve. The Lord understands if you buy yourself food before giving your money to a church who is probably using it to spruce up the carpeting in the rectory.

*If you know what song this comes from, you are officially cool.

Name your price!

You know what's awesome? When people throw some random amount of money, say 63 cents, in the farebox (the fare is actually $2.45, in case anyone was wondering) and then look at the driver and shrug, "That's all I got. That's okay, right?" Um, and if it's not, what's your back-up plan? Perhaps you should have humbly asked BEFORE depositing your life savings into the box, rather than boldly assume the world owes you a favour. Because now you're out the 63 cents AND you'll have to come up with another $2.45 to get on the next bus.

I'm trying this at the grocery store next time. "My total is $117.48? Oh, well, I've only got 43 bucks. That's okay, right?"

5 year olds should be able to walk

The don't need to be in a stroller. And they certainly don't need to be in a DOUBLE stroller, with their 4 year old sibling (who should also be able to walk) and 47 pounds of crap in the basket underneath. And to think that you can bring this whole caboodle onto a bus during rush hour and expect that people on their way home from work are going to get off the bus to make room for you so that you can ride because you just couldn't plan your trip to Walmart at any other time of the day...well, that's just stupid.

I'm just sayin'.

It's not a request; It's a warning

In Ontario, buses have the right of way when exiting a bus bay or bus stop where they have to merge with moving traffic. Period. End of story. No argument, no exceptions. It's not a courtesy to let the bus back in -- it's law. If you are driving along and you see a bus against the curb with its left turn signal flashing....SLOW DOWN AND STOP IF NECESSARY!!! Do not speed up and attempt to hurry by the bus before the driver can pull out. We are still going to pull out and you are still going to have to slow down or stop, so why not just do it gradually and safely, rather than abruptly? And no, this isn't considered cutting you off because if you saw the signal and chose to ignore it, that's just you being an ass.

I'm a reasonable person. I do not expect the driver of a car immediately at my bumper to slam on his or her brakes. Even the second car might not see the signal. But when I'm dealing with a line of 7, 8, 9, 10 cars that are all flying past me, choosing to ignoring the law and the 20 ton vehicle that is slowly creeping into their lane, then I get pissed. I'm just going to pull out. If you "didn't see my signal", then you're a bad driver. Period. You are probably in la-la land, staring straight ahead at the road, not observing everything in the peripherals. I've had my signal on since you were 2 blocks away, if you couldn't see it in that time, you need corrective lenses.

The best is when people swerve into the lane of on-coming traffic to get around me, like that is somehow easier and safer than just obeying the law and STOPPING to let me in.